On Marriage Separation

On Tuesday 7 March, three days before I was to celebrate three years of continuous sobriety, my world as I knew it changed. After a day of crisis talks, the husband and I decided that separation was now our only chance to potentially salvage our marriage. So on our return from swimming, the husband sat Cheeky Chap down and told him that he was going to live somewhere else, maybe for a little while, maybe forever. He explained that mummy and daddy still loved him very much but we simply weren’t getting along with each other any more. With tears in his eyes, “I’m so sorry” on repeat and his head bowed, he walked out.

It wasn’t a complete shock. We had discussed separation before but until that day neither of us thought it would come to that.

There was no “Other Woman” or “Other Man”. There was no stand out incident.

It was an accumulation of things. We were both desperately unhappy and we knew something needed to change.

So he left.

For a month he slept in his car, coming to the family home every day to eat and wash and attempt to rebuild something. He would come over mid afternoon, wash and eat, spend an hour or so with Cheeky Chap before heading off to work for the evening. After work he would find a spot to park his car, usually around The Downs and he would sleep there. That first month was hard and I felt like life was in limbo. I felt like I was in a haze, on auto pilot as I tried to piece my life back together. I think, deep down, I expected him to get fed up and decide that he wanted to come home.

But he didn’t.

Then he found somewhere to stay. A caravan on a camp site 15 miles away, just past Bristol Airport, that he could use in exchange for cleaning duties around the site. He would talk about how peaceful it was out there, away from the constant interruptions and noise that come with living in a block of flats with a communal garden in the suburbs of a city. I stopped worrying about his safety and wellbeing and started worrying about whether he would ever return. And if he wanted to, would it be for the right reasons? And what even are the right reasons anyway?

Photo by Paul García Fotografía on Unsplash

Hindsight

As I look back, I can see a gradual, subtle erosion in our relationship. That is what is most frustrating. There is no point in time that I can look back at and say “That is when things changed”. I realise now that somewhere along the line we lost our sense of us. Neither of us had the best of childhoods so we have both focussed on giving Cheeky Chap the best life we can. We became so wrapped up in our roles as parents that we lost us as a couple, and as individuals.

One of my biggest fears has always been whether I would be able to manage life without him. We have been together since I was 21, he was my first relationship. I thought he was vital to my existence and that I needed him. And actually, to some extent, I think he felt he needed me too. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s normal for couples to need each other to some extent. However, what is not healthy is when the fear of being alone overrides the desire to be together.

Quite aside from the emotional dependency, I needed him on a practical basis too. I became so worried that I would tire myself out more or trigger more pain in myself by doing too much, that I stopped doing any housework. Which is kind of the main point of being a stay at home parent. I wanted him to have a job which meant he would be around during the day so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed during school holidays. Him leaving meant I had to step up and start doing things I had long since stopped doing. I started to take more responsibility and set up my own routines. I’m not sure I will ever be a domestic goddess but I have definitely made progress!

I know now that I want the husband to come home because I want to be with him. And he wants to come home because he wants to be with me. We’ve rekindled the love we thought we had lost for each other. We have started counselling and although we’re only a couple of sessions in, it has been an eye-opener for us both. We’re both starting to be more honest with each other and learning what each others boundaries of acceptable behaviour are. My faith has grown as I’ve turned to God to meet my needs. I’ve learned to seek support from friends and family and to ask for help. Four months in and I’m beginning to sleep better again, beginning to feel a bit of hope and optimism.

If you had told me six months ago that all this would have happened and I’d do it without a drink, I’d have told you that you were crazy.

We have a long way to go still but hopefully, one day at a time, we can find our happy again. And maybe, just maybe, he might be home before our tenth wedding anniversary in August.

26 thoughts on “On Marriage Separation

  1. You’ve brought tears to my eyes! I’m so sorry to hear that you have both been through this. It must have been so hard to adjust to being alone and his new life doesn’t sound like a walk in the park. It sounds like you are making some progress and I really hope you get back together, if that is the right thing for you both. x
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted…What can you legally do at 16?My Profile

    1. this is the story of my life these days:(( can’t hold my tears:((( but sometimes getting separated makes things better or may be not. we are in a very unhealthy relationship from past 3 years and i just want to get separated now. painful but a new start hopefully for a better life with my two daughters

      1. I am so sorry you are struggling at the moment. We were of the opinion that, while it may be difficult at first, separation couldn’t have made things any worse than they were and might just make things better. And for us, things are already a lot better and improved quickly. We are now working towards a reconciliation when at first that seemed pretty unlikely! I hope you manage to work things out so that you can be happy. xx

  2. Love you. Look at how much has happened in those four months, and how much you’ve both learned and grown. I’m so pleased you are growing in the same direction now. Always here xxxx

  3. Oh my goodness Rachel this is a brave and honest post. Hats off to both of you for being adult about this and not just chucking the towel in. Sometimes it is hard to see through “we aren’t getting on” and just walk away from it all. But you two should be incredibly proud of how far you have come, and that you are both talking and taking steps to reach a conclusion that makes all of you happy.

    I have everything crossed for you all.

    SO much love to the three of you

  4. What a brave post to share. I’m sorry you both had to go through that but it’s better than lots of arguments in front of cheeky chap. You both handled it incredibly well. I hope the counselling continues to work and you can both be happy again x

  5. Reading this feels close to home. Difference is that i’m not married. Been with my partner nearly 4 years and we have a 2 year old. At times we really feel like we are not working. But nether us want to leave the relationship. Its hard and I know exactly what you mean about focusing on the child. He has a new job now and i’m finding that us having more time apart is helping us get along a lot better. Space from people definetly does make you realise not all is that bad. Thank you for sharing.

  6. I’m so sorry to hear you have been going through this Rachel. Marriage is hard work is it not? I hope that your husband comes home soon and you can work through your difficulties and come out of it stronger x

  7. This definitely brought a little tear to my eyes! My mother always told me ‘it has to get worse before it gets better’ and I was so glad when I came to the end of the post to read that things are starting to get better. I wish you both all the luck and love in the world!

  8. Those decisions must have been really hard to make but at least you made them and are dealing with it all. Good luck for the future.

  9. Blimey Rachel what a tough time of it you’ve been having I had no idea. I’m so glad that you think you can see a way to work things out. I know how hard you must have worked to have even reached this point. Sending much love and strength x

  10. Well done for such a brace and honest post. Sometimes we have to take a step backwards before we can continue onwards on our journey forward. Wishing you all the best for the future as a family x

  11. I felt quite emotional reading this. I’m glad you’re working through your issues together. All too often, as parents, we forget to work on our marriages because we’re too busy parenting.
    It must have been difficult publishing this post and I commend you for that; I have a couple of really personal posts sat in my drafts folder as I’m not quite ready for the world too see them yet.

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